So, many of you know that my most viral articles are about poop, poop, and more poop. But my most viral post of ALL TIME was about the time I couldn’t remove my Diva Cup. If you like to laugh at the pain and misfortune of others- this is your moment.
A Diva Cup (for those of you who don’t know) is a small medical grade silicone cup that you fold up like a bizarre little vagina taco and insert during your cycle. Once inside it unfolds and settles in; creating a suction that prevents blood from leaking around it and catching any blood (vs. absorbing it like a tampon would. When you’re ready, you use your fingers to pinch the bottom of the cup, release the suction and dump it’s contents into the toilet. Easy, right? Not for everyone, but we’ll get to that.
Before I get started, I would like to take a moment and acknowledge the comments regarding my first Diva Cup experience. Not everyone was very happy with me and/or my post. The hate mail for it is NEVER ENDING! Here are some of my favorites:
That’s so great that you got the hang of the Diva Cup, but I have a very important question to ask you; HOW ARE YOU SPENDING 5 GRAND A MONTH ON SANITARY EXPENSES?? Are your tampons made from woven gold? Diamond-encrusted period panties? Do you know of some crazy comfortable silk pads? I NEED TO KNOW!
I wish I had thought to do that…
What….what kind of condoms…..you know what? Nevermind.
You know what else is easy peasy? Bioengineering. Rocket Science. Brain Surgery. Potty training a two year old.
I, uh…I have some bad news for you and the nine people who liked your comment…blood is…like, all up in your body dude.
YOU ARE SO DRAMATIC!!1!!11
Well, I have had two children, and the company recommends a larger size for women who have children. I would also rather not travel down that YouTube road….
One more thing: I stated all of this in my original article. It’s almost as if you didn’t even read it.
If you call being alarmed at the prospect of something being lodged in my baby cannon and being unable to remove it, then yes, I guess it did escalate rather quickly. HOWEVER YOU ARE A GENIUS BECAUSE I NEVER WOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT!! Seriously! Who doesn’t want a minty fresh vageen?!
Gosh, you know you’re right! I forgot that all vaginas are uniform in size and depth! By the way, did you know all pregnancies are exactly the same too?
Also: this happened:
So there! *raspberries*
Also- Congrats to the second person on their Diva Cup success!
Maybe I should I have watched funny YouTube videos! I bet the laughing would have brought it down a bit!
It’s okay, you can admit it. 🙂
My Second Experience
Have you ever looked at something in a clothing store and thought “Yeah. I could totally fit into that?”
That’s how I felt when, after five months of hate comments, I went out and bought the smaller Diva Cup. Except, IT was going to fit into….well…you know.
I waited expectantly for my period’s arrival. Not only was I going to give it another go, but apparently this thing saves you FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS A MONTH and I was really interested in seeing how this was going to work.
After what felt like years, I woke up with my period. My first thought was “YES! WHERE IS THE DENTAL FLOSS?” and then “UGHHHHHH CRAMPSSSS”
I ran (waddled) to the bathroom, grabbed my shiny new Diva Cup, and brandished it at my reluctant hot pocket.
‘Now, listen. I know you’re a Diva…’ I said to my Diva Cup
‘…but if you don’t get your act together I’m going to shame you on the internet. I’ll make you hold a sign and everything.’
The Diva Cup seemed to understand. In it went. It was then that I realized that I had not anchored it with dental floss (UNSCENTED) like I had previously planned. Whoops.
After waiting very patiently for four hours; the time had finally come.
With the bathroom door locked behind me I began to do what I have now dubbed “The Diva Cup Dance” 25 Jumping jacks. Duck Waddling. Hula-ing. You know that annoying dance that SpongeBob Squarepants does when he blows the perfect bubble? That was me. Does it actually help to bring it lower or is it wishful thinking? We’re about to find out!
So, you know those little M & M mini tubes? Imagine you can feel your finger tips brushing against the last M&M, but you can’t quite grip it. You can’t very well turn your vajay upside down you know what I’m saying? I couldn’t just use one finger; I had to pinch the bottom of the cup to release the suction, so a finger and a thumb are required. IT IS NOT EASY MY FRIENDS.
Or when my cell phone slips in between my car’s center console and my seat and I have to wedge my fingers into my underground railroad and somehow try to tweeze it out like some weird hybrid crab claw. It’s like that. Except there’s blood, my bathroom is decorated in white, and my kids are wondering if I’m constipated.
Finally, I got it out. I didn’t have to climb into the tub, and it didn’t explode everywhere like some sort of horrible menstrual bomb. I was pretty pleased with myself if I’m perfectly honest.
I wore it for the entirety of my period, and I did get the hang of it, eventually. It’s still difficult for me to do, but all in all, I’m going to stick with it.
Tampons are less messy and less giving yourself an at-home pap smear (Take a deep breath- I’m going in!) but I do like the lowered risk of TSS, the 5k I’ll save, and what it will do for the environment!
Moral of the story: Try, try, again!
(also, does anyone know when/how I receive my 5k? Is there some sort of mail in rebate?)