When I was little I was a gymnast. I spend hours after school in the gym working on routines. Hours that would equate now to a part time job. When I was old enough I coached. When I moved out I coached and filled the rest of my time working in real estate offices and teaching dance. Needless to say; I was always on the move. That’s why becoming a stay at home mom was a bit of a culture shock. All of a sudden, you’re not rushing off to work in the morning. You’re not setting goals for work. There’s not gratification of a paycheck at the end of the week. On top of all of that- there is stay at home mom loneliness.
I am not the sort of person who follows inspirational quote instagram profiles, or posts them on Facebook. It’s just not my thing. But for the first time ever, I found one that spoke to me.
“Loneliness does not come from having no people around you, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to you. – Carl Jung
Want to know why it hits home?
Because I can’t even explain why it hits home.
So we’ve survived the first few weeks. Your hormones have regulated (mostly). You’ve got the hang of the baby thing. Life is great. Right? Then why are you so lonely?
For me, it was lots of things. It was because my significant other is gone 10 hours of the day and we only have one car. It was because I no longer have grown ups to talk to and laugh with during the day. No co-workers with inside jokes. It was because none of my friends have children. They don’t understand what I was going through or that I can’t just go out on a Thursday night. Or that I just don’t want to go out on a Thursday night and leave the baby at home with Dad.
It was because it sounds so childish when you explain to other people that you’re lonely. Most people have the idea (including our hardworking work outside the home spouses) that staying at home is a piece of cake. (Be honest, when was the last time you got to sit and eat your food while it was still hot? Like never.) So explaining that you’re lonely will either make people think you’re not grateful, or that you just don’t enjoy being a mom.; neither of which is true. No one, even other moms, understands what it’s like. How isolating it can be. How important it is to talk about.
When my son stopped breastfeeding, I struggled. I still can’t explain why it hurt my heart so much, but it did. I knew I had to find something to occupy my time, so I started blogging. Blogging turned into comments, turned into subscribers, turned into friends who shared my interests. Turned into people to talk to and share with. It made a world of difference in my life, just having that tiny bit of communication with grown people throughout my day. The best part? I still get to stay at home with my son and be here when my daughter gets home from school. And I’m not lonely anymore.
I’m not ashamed to admit that I struggled with being lonely and stir-crazy for a lot of my stay-at-home days. I’ve found that it is important for me to retain a little bit of who I am as a person, and to make sure I am taking care of my mental health. So much of what is important to you gets pushed way back when you’re so focused on raising a tiny human, that you forget that while being a mom is the most important thing in your life, and it changes you to the core; you are more than just someone’s mother.
You’re you. And you’re great. And you deserve more than to feel like you’re just a butt wiping machine.
Some things that helped me feel better:
- We are so lucky to have access to friendship in the palm of our hands. Find stay at home mom forums and talk to other women who are going through what you’re going through.
- For me, making my bed helped. It made me feel a little more like I had my life together, and it also prevented me from napping in it when I had the opportunity.
- Put shoes on. It’s purely psychological, but wearing shoes just made me feel like I had shit to do. In turn, I got more done, and felt a little more accomplished.
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Let’s talk about stay at home mom loneliness.
Posted by Poise & Purpose on Monday, March 14, 2016
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Oh boy, do I get what you’re saying!
I find that I need to shower and dress by 7, and by dress I don’t mean active wear (unless, of course, that’s the agenda).
I have two little girls and I keep clean by wearing aprons. It’s a bit ‘stepford wife’ but it works for me.
Betty X
Aprons are so cute though!
Don’t normally respond to this stuff but this summed me up 6 yrs ago. Finally an article that doesn’t judge those of us who don’t like to relax.
I was used to being so active and working 65hrs a week as well as running a small business.
I felt having a child made my life boring and I lacked outside world interaction and felt trapped. As a result I took 12 weeks off maternity and returned to work full time.
The comments from other people were dreadful but for me it was normal.
I love my daughter but she is a well rounded little girl and is very flexible in her approach.
It has put me off have other children though.
Lisa, I hope you’re in a better place now! Judgement only serves to divide us. Istruggled a lot feeling like myself again. This is just one of those things that I feel like we should talk about more. Thank you for your thoughtful reply, and Thank you for reading!
Thank you! I am a disabled stay at home mom. I have not had a job, other than ‘mom’ for 13 years. I am running like crazy. I do whatever I can to keep all my kids outside and/or busy. This includes many public gathering type of events such as sports. We live in a small town so most of the people at these events are familiar. It’s not like I don’t see adults and have an occasional conversation with some but it’s only about our kids when I do. I adore my kids and will do anything I can to stay involved in everything they do and will always prefer spending time with them over anyone else. However, I have recently figured out that I have no clue who I am. I live and breathe for my kids and am beyond busy but I feel alone. No adults to talk to who understand me or even have anything in common with me. I don’t want to be away from my kids for very long (I start to panic within an hour if I don’t have at least one of them with me) ever and honestly cannot do much being disabled anyhow. I’m very grateful you mentioned stay at home mom forums. That may be exactly what I need! It’s crazy feeling lonely when you are NEVER alone, literally! I thought maybe I was alone in this feeling. This is exactly what I needed to hear at this time. Thanks again so very much for putting this out there!!!
I am the the very same way and the we share so much in common let me start with I have a daughter who is disable she us 7 years old I also have a two and four year old I do not leave my kids I have severe panic attacks if I’m away for very long I have lost myself also I have not known anything but my kids for the past seven years I will not leave her with anyone because she is non verbal I hone school and so I’m with my kids at all times even weekends I feel so alone most of the time I am but I love my kids and live staying home and being with them 24/7 I know there safe and that is all that matters some times I miss adult conversations and feel like I’m missing out like I’m going crazy but I can’t be without my kids for very long nice to know I’m not alone my family thinks I’m crazy because I won’t leave my kids at all and say it is not good for me or them but I can’t breath without them and go i. Full panic attacks
This is so great to know other people get it. Its not that I don’t love my kids and husband but on top of being a stay at home mom I also moved from California where my whole family and friends are to Massachusetts and it definitely gets lonely sometimes. Its nice to know I’m not alone in this feeling.
I am in the same situation. I worked in Manhattan for most of my life then became a stay at home mom when my son was born. We moved from NY/NJ to HHI when he was 3 months old. What a life changing event. For the first time in life I became severely depressed. I still have no “real” friends as most of the women here are very stand-offi ish and they are what they wear/how much money they have; in other words very materialistic.
I’m so happy to have found this site. Looking forward to reading more blogs and knowing that I’m not the only one feeling this way.
Thank you!
Even though we’re miles away, I go through the same feeling since I quit my job to be a stay-at-home mom. I love my two little princesses, but I love talking to adults too 🙂 There’s a lot of judgement here too (I live in Argentina), even from other moms (working, outside the house, moms). What works for me is, once a week, going out to dinner with my friends. Also sending whatsapps to my husband whenever I need to tell something to an adult 🙂
Thanks for the advices and for putting into words what a lot of moms feel.
I’ve been retired for 5 years, my Husband works shift work, I’m a very social person, as I worked in a public school office for 20 years. I have 9 grand children, there’s younger ones and older! The older are very busy, all three of my children work. My mother passed
A year ago, can’t make myself get up to get dressed and mobile. Very lonely sometimes, I know the things I need to do but can’t get motivated! Waiting for that push in my mind! Thanks
I really needed this today. My daughter is almost 2 and I struggle with this every day. We travel a lot so I don’t have a lot of friends where we live and I’m to the point where I don’t want to even try and make any. My husband works a lot running his company and an exciting day for my daughter and I is wondering around target for an hour or so. I need something for myself without feeling selfish, just not quite sure what that is yet.
Yes! Thank you for sharing your struggles… it is so important to talk about these subjects. I have to stick to a routine… and in a way treating like a job (with a somewhat flexible schedule), really helps!
I can absolutely relate to this and I am so grateful for this post. It finally feels like someone understands me and I am not all alone! Thank you.