The Lengths I Would Go To Avoid Socializing…With Anyone

Sometimes I love to be social! You probably already know that. Maybe my YouTube channel or Facebook Live pastime gave it away- but sometimes, like everyone, I just want to be alone! There are so many ways to worm your way out of having to socialize. Let’s be honest; I’d rather jab my own eyes out with toothpicks than attend another “girls night”. But this article is not going to be a list of excuses to flake out on your best friends cousin’s daughter’s baby shower. Oh no. This is going to be the real-deal-the drive-thru- is-still-too-much-interaction-for-me kind of thing. As someone who prefers the company of Netflix and potato chips over pretty much anyone- these are the lengths I would go to avoid having to talk to people.

Grocery Store Escape Tactics

Nothing is more awkward than that strained exchange with that girl you were friends with for ten minutes during sophomore year in the grocery store freezer aisle, only to run into her ten more times in the store before you can make a break for your car. Even worse? You both say goodbye and then walk the same direction. The cringe is almost audible.

Sometimes I’ll sit in the parking lot for a few minutes and scope out the entrance to see if I see anyone familiar walking in or out. Then I’ll pop in my headphones and sunglasses. The sunglasses conceal your eye movements so I can checkout the food porn in the bakery aisle without accidently making eye contact with anyone in the vicinity. The headphones mean I can hear someone saying “Miss, stop licking the pastry case” but choose not to hear “Hey, don’t I know you?”.

Bonus points if you can act really startled if someone happens to tap your shoulder.

If worst comes to worst- you could always pretend you are your own twin sister and split before they realize you never mentioned having a twin. You probably wont be able to pull that one twice with the same person, but on the plus side, they probably wont bother you again.

Elevator Awkwardness

Girl you’d better pretend you’re on a very important phone call and hope someone doesn’t for real call you in the middle of it, Even better if it’s a really awkward conversation.

“No Mom, I already told you that the test results don’t come back until Monday but I’m really confident that they’ll came back negative! I bet I’m totally clean. Yeah, I’m still talking to him but…..MOM. Mom, I know you don’t want me to have to go through the same thing you went through….I thought you got that all cleared up though? What do you mean you have something to tell me? Wait…..Mom?”

Not only will they not talk to you- they’ll probably stand as far away as possible. Which is perfect.

Table for one….

I love takeout. Know what I love more? Delivery. I don’t have to put on a bra. I can just throw on a sweatshirt when the doorbell rings and then take it right back off again when the door closes. I don’t have to worry about a server asking me “How is everything tasting? Can I get you more water?” right as I put a bite of food in my mouth. I can just eat my Chinese in my jammies and then fall asleep on the couch. It’s glorious. You know what sucks? Most places have a minimum amount you have to spend in order to qualify for delivery.

You already know what I’m about to say, don’t you?

Yes, I order thirty dollars of Chinese food and eat it all week instead of just going to pick it up. No I’m not ashamed. I bet you’re already thinking about doing it yourself, aren’t you?